This blog is my old nursecissism blog before I got my own domain. Entries here are also imported in nursecissism.com :)

April 2004
May 2004
June 2004
August 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
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July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
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January 2007
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August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
November 2008

Icon: LJ/sixthmile
Layout: tuesdaynight
Inspiration: DayBefore!Misery

I think what struck me the most is Jasmin’s comment. Let me quote what she said: “I think you handle everything very well. I must say you are a strong person, coz if you were not then you would just have given up long time ago. But you are still trying and thats what it means to be strong!” That comment really motivated me. I kept on forgetting that being strong doesn’t only mean that you have the courage to face all the problems. It’s also about having the guts to stand up every time you fail.

All your comments uplifted my spirit! Thanks again people. I love you guys for that!

Till my next blog entry!

Labels: reflections

You read that right. I am undergoing this depression, not clinically diagnosed though. When this year started, problems just didn’t stop from coming. I question/ed God why is this happening, why do I have to face problems and etc. I know that in every problem, there is always a solution. But how come my problems take a lot of time to be solved?

To tell you the truth, there are times that I kind of regret taking up this course. I don’t blame this course, okay? I don’t blame anyone why it suddenly became the number 1 course of this country. I just feel sad about what’s going on with my life right now. I envy my friends, even my brother, who were hired easily. (Okay, now I am crying. :-S) And I hate to admit this that until now, I haven’t gotten through with that NCLEX thing. I still cry whenever I remember what happened to my exam. I still can not accept that despite my preparations, I didn’t pass that effin’ exam. I knew in my heart that I would be able to make my folks proud of me, you know, but I was wrong.

I know people would say that I should just be strong and that I should trust God. I know that. But sad to say, I felt like I ain’t that strong anymore. And I really really want to take that strength back. Just please give me some time.

All I wanna do now is just read my entries to remind myself of how strong and determined I was before. I really want to go back to my old self.

Sorry if I have disappointed you with this entry you are reading. I just can’t hide this anymore. I need to write about this. I need to let this out. I don’t know if I’ll just be on a hiatus as of the moment. I don’t know. I really can not decide right now. I’m also thinking if I’ll close the comments thing or make this a private entry.

Hmmm. Okay. I decided not to do what I was thinking a minute ago.

Labels: personal, reflections

The day after I was discharged from the hospital, my college friends visited me in the house. I was surprised that they were really serious in visiting me. I thought it was just another plan. My boyfriend visited me too that time that is why they were able to meet him. While we were all chitchatting and asking each others’ lives, we thought of having a reunion. They planned to do it first at our groupmate’s house in Bulacan but I told them to just do it here in my house because I doubt if my parents would let me travel alone with my friends especially that it was only 2 weeks ago since I had the surgery.

A month ago, my dad together with his officemates planned an out of town trip. They actually do that yearly. This time, it will be held in Poracay Resort. Haha. I have a funny story about that. I don’t know though if you’ll laugh. While I was using the computer before he told us about that trip he asked me to search the website of the resort.

Papa: Search mo nga dyan sa internet yun Poracay Resort.
Xyla: Woowwww! Pupunta tayo dun pa?! (while typing Boracay Resort in the search bar)
Papa: Oo, next month. Sa March 8.
Xyla: Weee! Paano tayo punta dun? May budget?! (while checking the search results)
Papa: Kasama mga officemates ko.
Xyla: Pa, saan dito? Ang daming Boracay websites.
Papa: *checks the search results* Poracay. Hindi Boracay!!
Xyla: Ha?! Sabi nyo Boracay?
Papa: Sa Porac, Pampanga yun sinasabi ko.
Xyla: Hahahaha.*stupid, embarrassed and disappointed*

Being a Bora-virgin that I am, of course I was so disappointed. I thought I’ll be able to visit Boracay. I’ve been dreaming to go there, seriously. So I tried to search Poracay Resort. I wasn’t disappointed though. I became excited when I saw the pics. Here are some:

(pictures taken from Poracay’s website)

The planned date was March 8 but it was postponed because of my operation.

Now this is my problem. Both (reunion and the Poracay trip) will be held on the same date. My friend texted me last night about the final plan. I told them that I have an out of town trip. March 29 is the only date where everyone is available since most of us are working already. They told me that this might be our last reunion since we’re all busy and most of us have plans to work in abroad. If I won’t go, I’ll be the only one who will miss the reunion. But if I choose the reunion, I’ll also miss the beautiful Poracay getaway. Wtf. I am torn between two important events. What should I choose?

I remember when I saw this sort of personality analysis through your birth month. It says that July people can forgive but can never forget. I think it is true.

Just recently, I was hurt by someone who is so dear to me. It did effin hurt. I was so in rage. I wanted to shout. I wanted to revenge and all. But deep inside, my heart is crying. I was so disappointed that I gave my 100% trust and this is what I would get. I confronted that person and listened to the explanation. The person apologized for so many times. During that time, I felt that my anger lessened. All I felt was pain. I did cry that night and fell asleep.

This morning when I wake up, I prayed and solemnly talked to God. I asked him to guide me with whatever decisions that I will make. This afternoon, the person texted me and I dunno I just suddenly miss the old us. During the conversation, I advised him/her like the usual thing that I do. After that, he/she apologized again and then we laughed, talked, laughed and talked.

I know you’ll tell me that how can I easily forgive this person after all he/she has done. I dunno either. I really don’t know. Maybe if you really are a true friend, even that person has sinned, you would still accept him or her. Jesus taught us to forgive and forget. The reason why that I really don’t forget is that I learn from every experience. I always keep those lessons in mind to avoid getting hurt again.

There are a lot of things that I miss since I underwent surgery:

1. Laughing out loud, sneezing and coughing. I can’t do it in the usual, or let’s say NORMAL way. It sucks that I have to do it in a mahinhin way. Lol.

2. Pig outs. Oh yes. You know how much I eat a lot. Hahaha. I eat like a guy before, but now, I am like on a diet! Damn.

3. Wearing pair of pants, jeans and shorts. I am wearing dresses for a week now. Hay naku. If you’ve only seen the reaction or the faces of the people who were in the church… Their stares were like, “Is she pregnant?” (with the anorexic-like body that I have). My goodness. I looked like a pregnant woman when I attended the mass this afternoon. Dress + flat slip ons + lordosis. Lol. Good thing, only few familiar faces were there.

4. Taking a long, cold bath. I can’t stay that long in the bathroom because my incision might get wet and that’s one thing we are avoiding (because it might cause infection). I miss hanging out in the bathroom for a long period of time. Hahaha.

5. Other daily routines. When I want to do something like help in the house chores, I have to ask my parents first for their permission.

Those are mostly the things that I miss. I can’t do all of them for now because all of them cause pain. I have a low pain threshold so I have to avoid what triggers the pain. That’s all for now.

Oh by the way, my blog is now redirected from http://nursecissism.co.nr I plan to buy the nursecissism.com domain but I don’t have the fund yet. Care to donate? Hahaha.

I need to sleep in a bit so I have no time to think of an appropriate entry title since this is sooo random.

About 2008 Bb. Pilipinas-World Janina San Miguel. I’ve heard about the news from my sister while I am still confined in the hospital. I was surprised that she won the title in spite her grammatically wrong answer. When I watched the video, I can not hide the fact that my jaw dropped with what I saw and heard. I am quite disappointed though with the Filipinos. See how they criticized her? It’s just so inappropriate. Okay, fine. Go question the judges, I don’t care at all. But hey, is it just right to laugh and laugh at her? What if you were in her place? What would you feel? You’re not even perfect. Tss. Okay, I am getting furious with these mean people again. Lol.

Next topic, please! Good news about my condition I can finally walk normally! Yeehheeeyyy! The incision still hurts though but it isn’t as painful as before. So yeah, thank God for the fast recovery. Sad thing is I can’t still wear my skinny jeans. I’ll just wear my dress tomorrow (Palm Sunday) instead.

Blog Dilemma. It’s almost been a year since I used wordpress and seriously, I am having a hard time installing the plug-ins. It’s driving me crazy! >_<

This entry is so objectless. I won’t wonder if you’ll ignore this. Haha. Kthxciao.

Of being anxious

It’s normal for a pre-operative patient to get anxious about the operation. As a nurse, we have to help our patients to calm the anxious patients. And as a nurse, I tried to calm myself the night before my scheduled operation. I was admitted in the hospital at 5 pm last Friday. I was with my parents and my boyfriend as I get ready. That night, my father left to stay with my two siblings who were alone at our house. I did not have a good sleep because I kept thinking about my operation, its advantages and disadvantages. I know I am a strong person but I can’t help but admit that I got scared of what I was about to go through.

Of being groggy

I woke up at around 5 am. Like what I’ve said, I haven’t had a good sleep. The nurses came in and said to prepare myself for the fleet enema. OMG. I know how uncomfortable an enema is! I’ve seen our patients holding the water and controlling the urge to poo. I can not believe that I also had to go through it. Thank God it’s only fleet enema. I’ll prolly suffer if it was cleansing enema! Haha. Oh gosh. Now I know what enema feels like! It’s like you have an LBM but you have to control the urge because you haven’t found a comfort room yet. I was asked to hold the solution for 5-10 minutes. Imagine that! Haha. My schedule was 10 am. It was supposed to be at 8 am but there were so many patients lined up in the operating room. Another nurse gave me a gown (not the gown you’re thinking) and asked me to prepare because she’ll be back to give me my pre-operative medications. She told me that I am not allowed to ambulate anymore if the pre-op meds are given. After I’ve taken my cold bath, I immediately wore the hospital gown and waited for the nurse. A few minutes after, the nurses came in together with the resident doctor for my IV insertion. Yes, it was painful but nothing beats the skin test which was done the night before by the way. Skin test is done to see if the patient is allergic to a certain drug before they would administer it. When the IV was inserted successfully, another nurse came with my pre-op meds. I checked the medication card and it says “Nubain and Phenergan”. Nubain is an analgesic and Phenergan is an anti-histamine which will cause me to get drowsy. After awhile, I was starting to feel groggy. I saw my mom went in and outside of the room crying. My dad couldn’t even look at me. I knew and I felt that they, too, were scared and anxious. At 10 am, the orderlies/ nurses (I was too dizzy to recognize them), went to the room to pick me up. I was so sleepy that I couldn’t recall what they told me. All I can remember is that they transferred me to another bed and took me to the delivery room. The last persons that I recognized before I totally fell asleep were my dad and my boyfriend. I still can see people though but their images were vague. One thing I am sure was that they were in OR (operating room) uniforms. The last thing that I could remember was the time that the nurses spread my arms in the OR table.

Of being in pain

I then woke up in a room that I am unfamiliar of. I saw a lady in a blue OR uniform standing right next to me. I asked her where I was. She answered but I, again, couldn’t recall what she said. I asked her if the operation was done. She said, “Oo. Naoperahan ka na.” I tried to touch my tummy and there I felt a big bandage on top of it. I tried to recall what happened to me but I couldn’t. She asked me to move my feet and to lift my lower leg. I could move my toes but not my legs. I knew that my brain was sending signals to the nerves of my lower leg to move but they were so deaf to follow. The anesthesia was still working. I was still groggy that time. I couldn’t remember everything that happened hours after the operation. All I could feel that time was the automatic BP apparatus beside me that inflates every fifteen minutes. After a while, I felt that I was being transferred back to my room. The first people, this time, that I saw and recognized were my mom and my boyfriend. I could remember how they looked at me as if they were trying to examine me from head to toe. I woke up from time to time. I also saw my sister and my father at the couch beside my bed. I could hear them talking about some famil-related issues. I saw my boyfriend sitting at the foot of my bed, just staring at me and waiting for me to be fully awakened. Then suddenly, I felt vomiting. I was so dizzy. I had to call my mom because of my urge to vomit. I was even perspiring that they all tried to ventilate me. I think I vomited for three times. Effect of anesthesia. I cried out loud because of the pain. It was soooo painful. I couldn’t bear it. I fell asleep while crying and when I woke up, my boyfriend bid goodbye. I cried again because I didn’t want him to leave. I wanted him to stay with me but I know he couldn’t because his mom asked him to go home and just go back the next day. He promised that he’ll go back while wiping my tears away. When I stopped crying, he left.

Of being helpless and dependent

The next day, I felt like being punished. The incision was so painful. It was really tormenting. I couldn’t control my tears from falling. It’s like I want more pain relievers to be injected but of course, that is impossible. I have to bear the pain and wait for the right time to take pain relievers. I then saw a catheter inserted in my urinary orifice. I felt uncomfortable. Thank God it was removed a few hours after the anesthesia’s effect subsided. Every time I have to move, I feel pain. I was actually allowed to ambulate but it was hard. I felt helpless. Really. I have to ask for my mom, dad or my boyfriend for assistance. I have to pee on a bed pan which was awkward. But what can I do? I was still on NPO (Nothing Per Orem) after the surgery. I can only take sips of water if and when I pass my flatus. Haha. Every time a nurse/doctor comes in, the first thing they would as is, “Nautot ka na ba?” Hehe. A midwife told me how precious a flatus is. And yes, I do agree! Haha. I was able to sit the evening of my first post-op day. I still feel the pain but I have to bear it. I should try to ambulate in order for me to pass my flatus. It was really touching when both my parents assisted me when I tried walking. It was like they’re teaching a kid to learn to walk. That night, I successfully passed my flatus. Yessss!

Of being depressed

If it’s normal for a pre-op patient to get anxious, then it is also normal for a post-op patient to get sad. I was depressed for two days because of my condition. I know that this surgery changed my plans in my life. It changed almost everything. I couldn’t stop crying while thinking of my condition. I had a lot of questions going in and out of my mind though I know that those questions won’t be answered in one snap. One step at a time. One step at a time, as they say. I was told about what my doctor had seen during the operation. I had two cysts in each of my ovaries. One of the cysts were also attached to my bladder. They tried to remove a part of it but not all because some are microscopic and it’s risky to remove it all because my bladder might be punctured. There’s no 100% assurance that the cysts won’t go back. It can recur in 6 months or in one year or in two years or so… It depends on the person’s case. I thought after the surgery, my sufferings are over. But I was wrong. I still have this worries that it might recur. The doctor even told me that it would be best if I get pregnant in two years because my illness’ complication is infertility. I think I have blogged about that before. I am not ready to be a mom in two years. I still have a lot of plans to fulfill and goals to reach. Aside from my condition, I also have a lot of problems. And that makes me more depressed. On the other hand, I thank my friends and my loved ones for the comfort and for boosting my self-esteem and morale. They know that I can get through this.

Of being optimistic

I end this entry with optimism. I still feel that I am lucky and blessed despite everything I have gone through. I thank the Lord for the successful operation, and for the lessons I have learned in this experience. When a person gets wounded from a heartbreak, we always say that time can heal. Now that made me realize that I will also be healed and cured. My wound will be healed in 6 months to 1 year. After that, I can go back to my normal routines. I have to sacrifice and to be patient though. I can’t wait. I really can’t wait.

Okay. I am still blogging hours before my admission in the hospital. I am not supposed to blog but I just want to share something that I heard from my OB-Gyne.

“Let’s see if we can do bikini cut…” Wtf?! There is a small chance that they would grant my request. I requested for a bikini cut because I don’t want my abdomen to look like my mother’s abdomen. Wahaha. Yes, I am serious. I’ve seen hers because she underwent TAHBSO years ago and I really don’t like how the scar looked like. My mom then told me, “Bakit? Di ka naman nagbibikini ah.” Haha! I know, I know! But the thought of having a vertical line in the middle of my beautiful abdomen (lol) makes my self-esteem lower than low. Haha. Overacting.

The reason why my OB-Gyne can not promise me a bikini cut is because they would be doing exploratory laparotomy. In short, they would be examining the contents of my abdomen, not just my reproductive organs. When I was still a nursing student, I was not able to assist this kind of surgery. I wonder how it looked like. Poor nurse. Haha.

Another rant that I would like to share is that I am so unfortunate that I wouldn’t be able to attend the First Nursing Expo here in the Philippines. It will be held on March 8-9, 2008 at Megatrade Hall in SM Megamall. Sayang talaga. Kainis. So if you’re a nurse or a nursing student and would like to attend the said event, just go in this site for more information. I’ll go now. I wish I could blog as soon as I get out of the hospital so that I could share here my experiences as a post-operative patient not a nurse assisting a surgeon. Hehe.

Yay! I am already done with the layout. All I have to do is to finish the contents. So, what do you think of my new personalized layout? You may post here your comments if you want. I would truly appreciate that.

Let’s talk about my health. I was already scheduled for my operation. It will be on Saturday (March 8 but I will be admitted in the hospital the night before. My mom and I were supposed to talk with my doctor yesterday but she texted me in the morning that she can’t make it to the clinic. She’s probably busy with some patients. She told me to undergo another transrectal ultrasound and we’ll meet up on Thursday. I asked her about my tonsillitis because I have tonsillitis for more than a month now and it is freakin bothering me. She told me that I can’t undergo surgery if I am not clear from any infections. I was then advised to continue my antibiotics that I have started (again) two days ago.

This afternoon, I went to the clinic for the ultrasound. Another OB-Gyne from that clinic did the procedure. I found out from her that I have two cysts in my right ovary and one in my left. Whoa. If you were to ask me if I am ready for the operation, I would say YES, I am ready. I have already prepared myself physiologically, psychologically and spiritually. I know I can do it. I know I will survive and I know God will always be beside me.

I’ve started reading The Daily Bread last week. It was my first time to read it, actually. Sorry for that. I used to ignore it for a reason that I do not know. Maybe because I am busy reading other things. The book was really enlightening. I do love all the stories and lessons written there. My favorite line there is: “Faith is not demanding what we want; it is trusting God’s goodness in spite of life’s tragedies.” I really can relate.It’s like the line is written for me. It inspired me to go on with my life and just trust God with everything.

This may be my last entry before I’ll enter the operating room. And I want to take this opportunity to thank those people who sent me personal messages, text messages, posted in my accounts, threads, etc. Thank you so much.

Yesterday (Tuesday), I visited my OB-Gyne for my monthly check-up. I showed her the result of my recent transrectal ultrasound. She told me that my ovarian cysts did not get smaller but grew a little bit bigger instead. She told me that I’ll stop my monthly injections and go back to my usual contraceptive pills since the medication I had for the past three months has no effect.

Going back to my contraceptive pills has no assurance that I’ll get cured since that was the first treatment I had when I was diagnosed with endometriosis and ovarian cysts. So my doctor told me that it would be better if I have it removed thru surgery since my cysts’ size fit with the “required size” for operation.

When I heard my doctor’s recommendation, I got scared. I worried about my future. I immediately asked her what will the complications be. Will I still get pregnant after that, is it painful, etc. This is my first time to undergo a surgery. When I was still a nursing student, we were taught to give comfort to our pre-operative patients. I used to wonder how does it feel like being in their shoes. Now I know…

This afternoon, I texted my doctor that I and my mother will meet her in her clinic to talk about the operation. We’ll have it scheduled as soon as possible. Probably, it will be scheduled next week.

Omg. The thought of that surgery makes me anxious and fidgety. I wish I could request for a bikini cut. Haha. I don’t want to have a big vertical scar on my stomach. It must be hidden! Lol.

Am I really ready for this? I think so. As long as I have my faith to the Lord that I can hold on, I could get through this.

See you after my surgery.

Labels: personal, personal health

I think what struck me the most is Jasmin’s comment. Let me quote what she said: “I think you handle everything very well. I must say you are a strong person, coz if you were not then you would just have given up long time ago. But you are still trying and thats what it means to be strong!” That comment really motivated me. I kept on forgetting that being strong doesn’t only mean that you have the courage to face all the problems. It’s also about having the guts to stand up every time you fail.

All your comments uplifted my spirit! Thanks again people. I love you guys for that!

Till my next blog entry!

Labels: reflections

You read that right. I am undergoing this depression, not clinically diagnosed though. When this year started, problems just didn’t stop from coming. I question/ed God why is this happening, why do I have to face problems and etc. I know that in every problem, there is always a solution. But how come my problems take a lot of time to be solved?

To tell you the truth, there are times that I kind of regret taking up this course. I don’t blame this course, okay? I don’t blame anyone why it suddenly became the number 1 course of this country. I just feel sad about what’s going on with my life right now. I envy my friends, even my brother, who were hired easily. (Okay, now I am crying. :-S) And I hate to admit this that until now, I haven’t gotten through with that NCLEX thing. I still cry whenever I remember what happened to my exam. I still can not accept that despite my preparations, I didn’t pass that effin’ exam. I knew in my heart that I would be able to make my folks proud of me, you know, but I was wrong.

I know people would say that I should just be strong and that I should trust God. I know that. But sad to say, I felt like I ain’t that strong anymore. And I really really want to take that strength back. Just please give me some time.

All I wanna do now is just read my entries to remind myself of how strong and determined I was before. I really want to go back to my old self.

Sorry if I have disappointed you with this entry you are reading. I just can’t hide this anymore. I need to write about this. I need to let this out. I don’t know if I’ll just be on a hiatus as of the moment. I don’t know. I really can not decide right now. I’m also thinking if I’ll close the comments thing or make this a private entry.

Hmmm. Okay. I decided not to do what I was thinking a minute ago.

Labels: personal, reflections

The day after I was discharged from the hospital, my college friends visited me in the house. I was surprised that they were really serious in visiting me. I thought it was just another plan. My boyfriend visited me too that time that is why they were able to meet him. While we were all chitchatting and asking each others’ lives, we thought of having a reunion. They planned to do it first at our groupmate’s house in Bulacan but I told them to just do it here in my house because I doubt if my parents would let me travel alone with my friends especially that it was only 2 weeks ago since I had the surgery.

A month ago, my dad together with his officemates planned an out of town trip. They actually do that yearly. This time, it will be held in Poracay Resort. Haha. I have a funny story about that. I don’t know though if you’ll laugh. While I was using the computer before he told us about that trip he asked me to search the website of the resort.

Papa: Search mo nga dyan sa internet yun Poracay Resort.
Xyla: Woowwww! Pupunta tayo dun pa?! (while typing Boracay Resort in the search bar)
Papa: Oo, next month. Sa March 8.
Xyla: Weee! Paano tayo punta dun? May budget?! (while checking the search results)
Papa: Kasama mga officemates ko.
Xyla: Pa, saan dito? Ang daming Boracay websites.
Papa: *checks the search results* Poracay. Hindi Boracay!!
Xyla: Ha?! Sabi nyo Boracay?
Papa: Sa Porac, Pampanga yun sinasabi ko.
Xyla: Hahahaha.*stupid, embarrassed and disappointed*

Being a Bora-virgin that I am, of course I was so disappointed. I thought I’ll be able to visit Boracay. I’ve been dreaming to go there, seriously. So I tried to search Poracay Resort. I wasn’t disappointed though. I became excited when I saw the pics. Here are some:

(pictures taken from Poracay’s website)

The planned date was March 8 but it was postponed because of my operation.

Now this is my problem. Both (reunion and the Poracay trip) will be held on the same date. My friend texted me last night about the final plan. I told them that I have an out of town trip. March 29 is the only date where everyone is available since most of us are working already. They told me that this might be our last reunion since we’re all busy and most of us have plans to work in abroad. If I won’t go, I’ll be the only one who will miss the reunion. But if I choose the reunion, I’ll also miss the beautiful Poracay getaway. Wtf. I am torn between two important events. What should I choose?

I remember when I saw this sort of personality analysis through your birth month. It says that July people can forgive but can never forget. I think it is true.

Just recently, I was hurt by someone who is so dear to me. It did effin hurt. I was so in rage. I wanted to shout. I wanted to revenge and all. But deep inside, my heart is crying. I was so disappointed that I gave my 100% trust and this is what I would get. I confronted that person and listened to the explanation. The person apologized for so many times. During that time, I felt that my anger lessened. All I felt was pain. I did cry that night and fell asleep.

This morning when I wake up, I prayed and solemnly talked to God. I asked him to guide me with whatever decisions that I will make. This afternoon, the person texted me and I dunno I just suddenly miss the old us. During the conversation, I advised him/her like the usual thing that I do. After that, he/she apologized again and then we laughed, talked, laughed and talked.

I know you’ll tell me that how can I easily forgive this person after all he/she has done. I dunno either. I really don’t know. Maybe if you really are a true friend, even that person has sinned, you would still accept him or her. Jesus taught us to forgive and forget. The reason why that I really don’t forget is that I learn from every experience. I always keep those lessons in mind to avoid getting hurt again.

There are a lot of things that I miss since I underwent surgery:

1. Laughing out loud, sneezing and coughing. I can’t do it in the usual, or let’s say NORMAL way. It sucks that I have to do it in a mahinhin way. Lol.

2. Pig outs. Oh yes. You know how much I eat a lot. Hahaha. I eat like a guy before, but now, I am like on a diet! Damn.

3. Wearing pair of pants, jeans and shorts. I am wearing dresses for a week now. Hay naku. If you’ve only seen the reaction or the faces of the people who were in the church… Their stares were like, “Is she pregnant?” (with the anorexic-like body that I have). My goodness. I looked like a pregnant woman when I attended the mass this afternoon. Dress + flat slip ons + lordosis. Lol. Good thing, only few familiar faces were there.

4. Taking a long, cold bath. I can’t stay that long in the bathroom because my incision might get wet and that’s one thing we are avoiding (because it might cause infection). I miss hanging out in the bathroom for a long period of time. Hahaha.

5. Other daily routines. When I want to do something like help in the house chores, I have to ask my parents first for their permission.

Those are mostly the things that I miss. I can’t do all of them for now because all of them cause pain. I have a low pain threshold so I have to avoid what triggers the pain. That’s all for now.

Oh by the way, my blog is now redirected from http://nursecissism.co.nr I plan to buy the nursecissism.com domain but I don’t have the fund yet. Care to donate? Hahaha.

I need to sleep in a bit so I have no time to think of an appropriate entry title since this is sooo random.

About 2008 Bb. Pilipinas-World Janina San Miguel. I’ve heard about the news from my sister while I am still confined in the hospital. I was surprised that she won the title in spite her grammatically wrong answer. When I watched the video, I can not hide the fact that my jaw dropped with what I saw and heard. I am quite disappointed though with the Filipinos. See how they criticized her? It’s just so inappropriate. Okay, fine. Go question the judges, I don’t care at all. But hey, is it just right to laugh and laugh at her? What if you were in her place? What would you feel? You’re not even perfect. Tss. Okay, I am getting furious with these mean people again. Lol.

Next topic, please! Good news about my condition I can finally walk normally! Yeehheeeyyy! The incision still hurts though but it isn’t as painful as before. So yeah, thank God for the fast recovery. Sad thing is I can’t still wear my skinny jeans. I’ll just wear my dress tomorrow (Palm Sunday) instead.

Blog Dilemma. It’s almost been a year since I used wordpress and seriously, I am having a hard time installing the plug-ins. It’s driving me crazy! >_<

This entry is so objectless. I won’t wonder if you’ll ignore this. Haha. Kthxciao.

Of being anxious

It’s normal for a pre-operative patient to get anxious about the operation. As a nurse, we have to help our patients to calm the anxious patients. And as a nurse, I tried to calm myself the night before my scheduled operation. I was admitted in the hospital at 5 pm last Friday. I was with my parents and my boyfriend as I get ready. That night, my father left to stay with my two siblings who were alone at our house. I did not have a good sleep because I kept thinking about my operation, its advantages and disadvantages. I know I am a strong person but I can’t help but admit that I got scared of what I was about to go through.

Of being groggy

I woke up at around 5 am. Like what I’ve said, I haven’t had a good sleep. The nurses came in and said to prepare myself for the fleet enema. OMG. I know how uncomfortable an enema is! I’ve seen our patients holding the water and controlling the urge to poo. I can not believe that I also had to go through it. Thank God it’s only fleet enema. I’ll prolly suffer if it was cleansing enema! Haha. Oh gosh. Now I know what enema feels like! It’s like you have an LBM but you have to control the urge because you haven’t found a comfort room yet. I was asked to hold the solution for 5-10 minutes. Imagine that! Haha. My schedule was 10 am. It was supposed to be at 8 am but there were so many patients lined up in the operating room. Another nurse gave me a gown (not the gown you’re thinking) and asked me to prepare because she’ll be back to give me my pre-operative medications. She told me that I am not allowed to ambulate anymore if the pre-op meds are given. After I’ve taken my cold bath, I immediately wore the hospital gown and waited for the nurse. A few minutes after, the nurses came in together with the resident doctor for my IV insertion. Yes, it was painful but nothing beats the skin test which was done the night before by the way. Skin test is done to see if the patient is allergic to a certain drug before they would administer it. When the IV was inserted successfully, another nurse came with my pre-op meds. I checked the medication card and it says “Nubain and Phenergan”. Nubain is an analgesic and Phenergan is an anti-histamine which will cause me to get drowsy. After awhile, I was starting to feel groggy. I saw my mom went in and outside of the room crying. My dad couldn’t even look at me. I knew and I felt that they, too, were scared and anxious. At 10 am, the orderlies/ nurses (I was too dizzy to recognize them), went to the room to pick me up. I was so sleepy that I couldn’t recall what they told me. All I can remember is that they transferred me to another bed and took me to the delivery room. The last persons that I recognized before I totally fell asleep were my dad and my boyfriend. I still can see people though but their images were vague. One thing I am sure was that they were in OR (operating room) uniforms. The last thing that I could remember was the time that the nurses spread my arms in the OR table.

Of being in pain

I then woke up in a room that I am unfamiliar of. I saw a lady in a blue OR uniform standing right next to me. I asked her where I was. She answered but I, again, couldn’t recall what she said. I asked her if the operation was done. She said, “Oo. Naoperahan ka na.” I tried to touch my tummy and there I felt a big bandage on top of it. I tried to recall what happened to me but I couldn’t. She asked me to move my feet and to lift my lower leg. I could move my toes but not my legs. I knew that my brain was sending signals to the nerves of my lower leg to move but they were so deaf to follow. The anesthesia was still working. I was still groggy that time. I couldn’t remember everything that happened hours after the operation. All I could feel that time was the automatic BP apparatus beside me that inflates every fifteen minutes. After a while, I felt that I was being transferred back to my room. The first people, this time, that I saw and recognized were my mom and my boyfriend. I could remember how they looked at me as if they were trying to examine me from head to toe. I woke up from time to time. I also saw my sister and my father at the couch beside my bed. I could hear them talking about some famil-related issues. I saw my boyfriend sitting at the foot of my bed, just staring at me and waiting for me to be fully awakened. Then suddenly, I felt vomiting. I was so dizzy. I had to call my mom because of my urge to vomit. I was even perspiring that they all tried to ventilate me. I think I vomited for three times. Effect of anesthesia. I cried out loud because of the pain. It was soooo painful. I couldn’t bear it. I fell asleep while crying and when I woke up, my boyfriend bid goodbye. I cried again because I didn’t want him to leave. I wanted him to stay with me but I know he couldn’t because his mom asked him to go home and just go back the next day. He promised that he’ll go back while wiping my tears away. When I stopped crying, he left.

Of being helpless and dependent

The next day, I felt like being punished. The incision was so painful. It was really tormenting. I couldn’t control my tears from falling. It’s like I want more pain relievers to be injected but of course, that is impossible. I have to bear the pain and wait for the right time to take pain relievers. I then saw a catheter inserted in my urinary orifice. I felt uncomfortable. Thank God it was removed a few hours after the anesthesia’s effect subsided. Every time I have to move, I feel pain. I was actually allowed to ambulate but it was hard. I felt helpless. Really. I have to ask for my mom, dad or my boyfriend for assistance. I have to pee on a bed pan which was awkward. But what can I do? I was still on NPO (Nothing Per Orem) after the surgery. I can only take sips of water if and when I pass my flatus. Haha. Every time a nurse/doctor comes in, the first thing they would as is, “Nautot ka na ba?” Hehe. A midwife told me how precious a flatus is. And yes, I do agree! Haha. I was able to sit the evening of my first post-op day. I still feel the pain but I have to bear it. I should try to ambulate in order for me to pass my flatus. It was really touching when both my parents assisted me when I tried walking. It was like they’re teaching a kid to learn to walk. That night, I successfully passed my flatus. Yessss!

Of being depressed

If it’s normal for a pre-op patient to get anxious, then it is also normal for a post-op patient to get sad. I was depressed for two days because of my condition. I know that this surgery changed my plans in my life. It changed almost everything. I couldn’t stop crying while thinking of my condition. I had a lot of questions going in and out of my mind though I know that those questions won’t be answered in one snap. One step at a time. One step at a time, as they say. I was told about what my doctor had seen during the operation. I had two cysts in each of my ovaries. One of the cysts were also attached to my bladder. They tried to remove a part of it but not all because some are microscopic and it’s risky to remove it all because my bladder might be punctured. There’s no 100% assurance that the cysts won’t go back. It can recur in 6 months or in one year or in two years or so… It depends on the person’s case. I thought after the surgery, my sufferings are over. But I was wrong. I still have this worries that it might recur. The doctor even told me that it would be best if I get pregnant in two years because my illness’ complication is infertility. I think I have blogged about that before. I am not ready to be a mom in two years. I still have a lot of plans to fulfill and goals to reach. Aside from my condition, I also have a lot of problems. And that makes me more depressed. On the other hand, I thank my friends and my loved ones for the comfort and for boosting my self-esteem and morale. They know that I can get through this.

Of being optimistic

I end this entry with optimism. I still feel that I am lucky and blessed despite everything I have gone through. I thank the Lord for the successful operation, and for the lessons I have learned in this experience. When a person gets wounded from a heartbreak, we always say that time can heal. Now that made me realize that I will also be healed and cured. My wound will be healed in 6 months to 1 year. After that, I can go back to my normal routines. I have to sacrifice and to be patient though. I can’t wait. I really can’t wait.

Okay. I am still blogging hours before my admission in the hospital. I am not supposed to blog but I just want to share something that I heard from my OB-Gyne.

“Let’s see if we can do bikini cut…” Wtf?! There is a small chance that they would grant my request. I requested for a bikini cut because I don’t want my abdomen to look like my mother’s abdomen. Wahaha. Yes, I am serious. I’ve seen hers because she underwent TAHBSO years ago and I really don’t like how the scar looked like. My mom then told me, “Bakit? Di ka naman nagbibikini ah.” Haha! I know, I know! But the thought of having a vertical line in the middle of my beautiful abdomen (lol) makes my self-esteem lower than low. Haha. Overacting.

The reason why my OB-Gyne can not promise me a bikini cut is because they would be doing exploratory laparotomy. In short, they would be examining the contents of my abdomen, not just my reproductive organs. When I was still a nursing student, I was not able to assist this kind of surgery. I wonder how it looked like. Poor nurse. Haha.

Another rant that I would like to share is that I am so unfortunate that I wouldn’t be able to attend the First Nursing Expo here in the Philippines. It will be held on March 8-9, 2008 at Megatrade Hall in SM Megamall. Sayang talaga. Kainis. So if you’re a nurse or a nursing student and would like to attend the said event, just go in this site for more information. I’ll go now. I wish I could blog as soon as I get out of the hospital so that I could share here my experiences as a post-operative patient not a nurse assisting a surgeon. Hehe.

Yay! I am already done with the layout. All I have to do is to finish the contents. So, what do you think of my new personalized layout? You may post here your comments if you want. I would truly appreciate that.

Let’s talk about my health. I was already scheduled for my operation. It will be on Saturday (March 8 but I will be admitted in the hospital the night before. My mom and I were supposed to talk with my doctor yesterday but she texted me in the morning that she can’t make it to the clinic. She’s probably busy with some patients. She told me to undergo another transrectal ultrasound and we’ll meet up on Thursday. I asked her about my tonsillitis because I have tonsillitis for more than a month now and it is freakin bothering me. She told me that I can’t undergo surgery if I am not clear from any infections. I was then advised to continue my antibiotics that I have started (again) two days ago.

This afternoon, I went to the clinic for the ultrasound. Another OB-Gyne from that clinic did the procedure. I found out from her that I have two cysts in my right ovary and one in my left. Whoa. If you were to ask me if I am ready for the operation, I would say YES, I am ready. I have already prepared myself physiologically, psychologically and spiritually. I know I can do it. I know I will survive and I know God will always be beside me.

I’ve started reading The Daily Bread last week. It was my first time to read it, actually. Sorry for that. I used to ignore it for a reason that I do not know. Maybe because I am busy reading other things. The book was really enlightening. I do love all the stories and lessons written there. My favorite line there is: “Faith is not demanding what we want; it is trusting God’s goodness in spite of life’s tragedies.” I really can relate.It’s like the line is written for me. It inspired me to go on with my life and just trust God with everything.

This may be my last entry before I’ll enter the operating room. And I want to take this opportunity to thank those people who sent me personal messages, text messages, posted in my accounts, threads, etc. Thank you so much.

Yesterday (Tuesday), I visited my OB-Gyne for my monthly check-up. I showed her the result of my recent transrectal ultrasound. She told me that my ovarian cysts did not get smaller but grew a little bit bigger instead. She told me that I’ll stop my monthly injections and go back to my usual contraceptive pills since the medication I had for the past three months has no effect.

Going back to my contraceptive pills has no assurance that I’ll get cured since that was the first treatment I had when I was diagnosed with endometriosis and ovarian cysts. So my doctor told me that it would be better if I have it removed thru surgery since my cysts’ size fit with the “required size” for operation.

When I heard my doctor’s recommendation, I got scared. I worried about my future. I immediately asked her what will the complications be. Will I still get pregnant after that, is it painful, etc. This is my first time to undergo a surgery. When I was still a nursing student, we were taught to give comfort to our pre-operative patients. I used to wonder how does it feel like being in their shoes. Now I know…

This afternoon, I texted my doctor that I and my mother will meet her in her clinic to talk about the operation. We’ll have it scheduled as soon as possible. Probably, it will be scheduled next week.

Omg. The thought of that surgery makes me anxious and fidgety. I wish I could request for a bikini cut. Haha. I don’t want to have a big vertical scar on my stomach. It must be hidden! Lol.

Am I really ready for this? I think so. As long as I have my faith to the Lord that I can hold on, I could get through this.

See you after my surgery.

Labels: personal, personal health

1. Thanks, yo!
2. The Truth
3. Poracay or Reunion?
4. Forgive and Forget
5. I miss...
6. Yada yada yada
7. The Story of a Post Operative Patient
8. Exploratory Laparotomy - Hate!
9. 2008 Layout
10. Am I Ready?